"What you have at the moment, you attracted by the person you become."

"What you have at the moment, you attracted by the person you become."


Recently I heard this sentence in Jim Rohn's video. And I felt deeply for this sentence.


A few months ago, I had a sort of a spiritual experience. Its not like ghost or any of that sort.
But more like a realization.


I had this friend, who is supposedly my best friend. For a long time I don't really like hanging out with her, because I felt I was constantly being taken granted by her. And after 18 years, I decided that enough is enough. While trying to distance from her, I was dealing with the guilt of not being beside her as her friend as well. Even though I knew that she was poison friend to me, I kept her as a friend for the longest time, and even, "best friend" at that. 


It takes 2 hands to clap. I was a weak person, always being bullied. While my friend was a bully. She is demanding, and often takes things for granted. I later on realized that this is the reason why we attracted each other. Even though consciously, I know that I want good friends that are sincere, but subconsciously, because of my character, I was attracting bullies to come into my life, and as for her, as her character is like that, she was attracted to me. So our character inside us is always looking around for people in our life to be attracted to.


And even deeper then that, there is another reason.


Through a video I saw of Anthony Robbins, I realized that I had a deep subconscious belief. The only reason that I kept her so long as a friend was because I did not know how to love myself! Seriously, when I think about it, there could be no other reason, because otherwise, why else would you keep someone who, constantly brings you down so they can be high up, close to you? It doesn't even make sense at all. 


And I realized that, my deep subconscious belief is because of what happened in my early childhood. When very young at about less then 1 year old to 4 years old, I was taken care of by another relative, and I was really badly neglected. Most kids at 0 ~ 4 years old get the most attention from their parents, which enable them to have this deep inner sense of self-cherishing attitude. But the lack of that during those years, had made me somewhat different even without me realizing it.

And I also came to realized that early childhood is so important. I didn't even realized that subconsciously I was not loving myself. But now that I came to be aware of this, so many things start to make sense. I chose, or rather let people who don't know how to love me to stay by my side. Even though I was unhappy and I try to break away, but eventually I was always led back by their sweet words or my own guilt of running away.

So, next time if your conscious being and your reality events does not align up, look deep into your self. There could be some subconscious self beliefs that is blocking the way, even without you realizing it.

For me, the moment I realized that I had this belief, of not cherishing myself, instantaneously the attraction between me and my friend faltered. I was no longer attracted to her. I broke the bond, because now I am aware of my own negative self belief.

It was an enlightening experience. I learnt more about myself than about anybody else for once. Because of what had formed during my childhood, I, too, had neglected myself too much and for too long.

Mindfulness of oneself and own thoughts and emotions are really amazing. I'm a Buddhist, and mindfulness has helped me to realized this part of myself. Now I understand why Buddha meditates so much and advocate this as a good method to enlightenment. Its amazing!