Closed hearts

I realised from Weizhan and Kate that a lot of people's hearts are closed because they are carrying some strong hate in their hearts, and they feel they need to protect themselves. Thus their hearts are closed and they remember grudges very well. They hate and guard against people whom they feel threatened their well-being even small little events, even thou it could be them that threatened others instead. 

It's for me to notice that they have closed hearts due to the much hate that they carry in them and that it's not for me to open their hearts. Let them be, for we all choose our own routes in life. 

My life is getting more fabulous by the hour

I got this card this morning. The night before I was a little angry about something. Actually it started from afternoon. And it's really a small thing. But somehow I felt my personal rights/boundaries being pushed.

Ivan wanted to buy some safra card, and wanted to use Daniel's. Normally it would be totally ok. If we were going. And if my EDD won't be so close. But the safra Xmas party is on 19th dec and my EDD is on 25/12/2015. It's too close so I tot should ask Jo to buy tix instead since they are all going and we are most probably not. But Jo din seem to want to buy the tix. And then at this time I felt my boundaries being violated. I felt that I wanted to speak up for myself but I couldn't because I would look petty if I do. And I don't want to look petty to others. This blocks my throat chakra. 

Hmm.. Why would I want to appear so generous that it's actually not me to impress others? Or let others see me in a way that I'm easily bullied or "won't mind if they do this to me kind"?

So after the day of medium tormenting, this morning I decided to pick a "I can do it" card. And throughout yesterday and this morning I tried to use the method of "Cancel, Clear, Delete!" By the angel cards. It's v tough! My mind seems bent on thinking about other ppl wanting to impose on me and bringing me inconvenice. I try a couple of times but it didn't seem to work. My mindset is very very strong on that. And I also realise how this negative thinking has set me to attract more similar situations. 

Anyways this morning since I get the card, I have been trying to practice the "Cancel, Clear, Delete!" method though it didn't seem to be working. And I try to tell myself about the looking forward to every hour from the cards. Right now it's 10am and it so seems to be working! So now I'm recording the process of every hour. 

7am - wake up feeling still disturbed 

8am - open my eyes feeling better

8.15am - wake Daniel up... And go wash up. In the shower keep practicing fabulous every hour theory every now and then when I catch myself

9am - we depart from home 

9.15am - a P-plate cut right in front of us in the car and almost cause us to have accident. But thru this I realised several things. My negative thinking usually led to negative things happening. Seems like accidents is the final route and it's dangerous!! 2nd, lucky nothing happened! We missed the car by a tiny bit and I was holding onto my seat belt when it happened so I think our baby is safe. Thank God! 

9.30am - reach office. I realised the safra booking thing is such a small event. As long as my family is ok and my and my bb is fine and healthy that's all that matters! The rest of small stuff! I'm v thankful we still make it to office safely. And initially when Daniel seems a little irritated in the morning, I felt his protective love when he actually confronted the guy in the p-plate car, though I feel it's quite weihiam! But I am thankful and love this new honest, protection energy from my hubby. :))

10am - I open my office invitation to our company Xmas party and saw Hailey's reply "no" to invitation and say venue not so fantastic. Haha it's at our pantry. Brings a smile to me and also amuses me how she can have the guts to speak the truth so easily?! It seems so hard for me... 

10.15am - Jo actually volunteered to help others book for safra in our chat group! :))

12pm - hmm Ivan haven't replied yet.. But maybe he already replied to Jo personally. :) and I begin to chat with Alex abt the dog.. It relaxes me.. And seeing the website of Garden by the Bay Xmas excites me! Now I'm just waiting to go buy fish and chips downstairs! I'm feeling happy and chirpy~ 

12.33pm - just went downstairs to buy fish and chips and was told they are out of flour batter so use bread crumbs. I used the chance to ask for more tata sauce. And when going back to office gantry the young female security office saw me and help me open the gate, the guy at the lift said,"after you" and let me into the lift. Ohhhh so wonderful feeling! :))

To be updated... :)

2222

This morning I was sitting the shuttle bus and the clock was at 22:22. My watch only shows 9+am. Funny how the clock in the bus was spoil and showing me 2222. And here is what I find about angel numbers:

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.sg/2015/08/angel-number-2222.html?m=1

Harmony and life purpose! Manifest with positive thoughts. I am suppose to keep my faith and speak the truth too. So means I have to speak my truth lovingly, instead of with anger. Wow! This is tough. But will be exciting new frontier for me! Can hardly wait! :D

Living a free and unburdened life

The fact is, I don't owe anyone anything, and I don't have to feel the need to repay or give anything to anyone or feel obliged to be nice or tie down to anything. 

This is in fact one of the most liberating thoughts for me. To feel constantly being tied down when someone does a favor or give me something is very tiring on the emotional body. It creates stress instead of recieving abundance. Which it really shouldn't be that way. Somehow there is still some triggers of "unworthiness" in me that needs to be resolved if I were to accept loving kindness from people around me.

When someone does something nice for me, I don't always have to repay them. I can receive the love in good harmony. And accept it. I don't have to feel obliged to do something back. That is, in fact a kind of feeling unworthy of the kindness being shown upon me. Because I can't seem to accept it. Real acceptance is really appreciate and love the feeling of being showered upon with love. 

The only way to get rid of FEAR is through LOVE

It's funny but the other day I dreamt a dream.. When I woke up. I totally forgot what it was about, but the message of the dream was very very clear. It's intended for Kayden, "The only way to get rid of FEAR, is through LOVE." Come to think of it. It's also very useful for me. As I have a lot of anger habits and it's will work for me well. I rem the time when I met Hweesan Shifu, and I said I wanted to be a healer, and he said,"Just keep chanting om mani padme hung."

Now I understand why. Because with love and compassion, will be able subside my anger and bring the healer out in me in full force. :)

1619 on 11/11/2015

Recently I had a dream of someone telling me about 1619. And I bought 4d 1619 and 1916 for it. The day I forgot to buy 1916 came out! And today I'm here for my gynae check and I got the number 1619! 

So since it keep repeating in my life, I decided to search for it in angel numbers. 

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.sg/2014/04/angel-number-1619.html?m=1

"Angel Number 1619 is a message from your angels that you are to take action towards serving your Divine life purpose. Your angels ask that you release any fears and anxieties and get on with living your passion and purpose today. It is your right to be a powerful being so use your personal power in loving ways that benefit yourself and others. Listen to your intuitive messages and take positive action in the direction of your soul calling. Your angels will ensure that you are provided with all that you will need along your path.  

Angel Number 1619 is a prompt to get on with important aspects of your life as it is time for you to detach yourself from your old and outdated ideas and items and ‘let go’ and ‘release the old’.  It is a message that assures you that whatever leaves your life at this time will be replaced with ‘new’ and ‘better’.  Be open to receiving all that you deserve as you are ready for an upgrade in your life. 

Angel Number 1619 is a message from your angels to trust that the most suited and appropriate career choice, hobby or interest will present in your life, and your angels encourage you to take up the opportunity. 

Angel Number 1619 can also suggest that you are at the end of a phase or cycle in your life.  Call upon your angels to comfort and guide you towards your next step. Happiness and fulfilment await you with ‘new’ about to enter your life.

Your intuition connects you to angel and spirit energy, and guidance is available to you as soon as you ask for it."

I keep having repeated message that I will soon be serving people as a healer, and that I will be provided for such purpose in my life. If it really comes true I will be really happy, as I personally feel this is really my soul's divine purpose. Just that I'm lost and not confident enough for it. 

But interestingly, earlier today I met my sis for lunch at j8 as she is very kind to bring me around to see what I have lack for our baby Tara. And so happened I had a dream the night before about Kayden and his fears. I can't remember what the dream was about, but I can remember the message very very clearly. Is that, "The only way to change fear, is through love." For example, his fear of washing machine, the only way to remove this fear is by showing him to love the washing machine itself. Very strange. As I never have any dreams about Kayden before. And it feels like it's really a intended message for Kayden specifically from the angels. :) I'm glad I get to be the messanger! 

1619 is also associated number 8. 

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.sg/2011/06/angel-number-8.html?m=1

And lead me to this website about angel channeling:

http://bodysoulmind.net/channeling-messages-from-the-angels

"Our angels’ insights and revelations can come to us through a vision whilst daydreaming, dreaming while sleeping, and just upon waking from a dream. Channeling messages from the angels is a direct route to angelic inspiration and insight."

Important life changes

I have been reading Angel Therapy Handbook and the last part is about changing career to a holistic one, a healer. Which is what I really want. To do something that has big contribution to society, even if it's little bit by little bit. And this morning while offering incense u was asking for signs and guidance if really that was to happen. Because I have no confidence at all. Who will come for spiritual guidance?? I can't even have peace with my batch girls. Haha. 

And later we went for early lunch and we got the number 7555. Another 555! 

http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.sg/2011/09/angel-number-555.html?m=1

I have been seeing a lot of 555, which signifies big changes in my life. And with a "7" in front.. Hmm... I feel it's really an affirmation sign for me from Buddhas and Boddhisatvas. If it's really gonna happen, I will be really happy! :))

No wastage of time or situation possible

"There is not a time in our lives where a situation is wasted. That is where you simply needed to be, exactly where you are right there and then."

Crystal children!

This morning I was at the clinic as I was falling sick. Luckily not really having fever yet. As I try to look for some information about something on the Internet (can't remember what is was) and it led me to Doreen Virtue angel article.. I again chance upon writing on crystal children! This is the 3rd time I am reading about crystal children. This is is a very lengthy and extensive one! Good! Whereas, before that I have never even heard of them! Last night I was asking (briefly) if Tara is still ard. And I was afraid to get the answer "No" so I quickly stop short of asking myself multiple times. And today I got my answer again! Thank u angels! Thank u Boddhisatvas and Buddhas! 

http://www.angeltherapy.com/blog/indigo-crystal-and-rainbow-children

Animal guide

Today I drew an angel card while asking about a situation regarding a friend and my input to that. And this card appears as Hidden Influences. 

At first when I read the card I used my brain logically and think maybe my animal guide is a monkey as a friend actually "saw" a spiritual monkey with me before. But a thought came in and remembered what Daniel said. During a quiz to envision his partner as a particular animal, he said he saw partner as a horse. At first I was like.. "Why am I a horse huh?" In my I saw like a normal brown looking horse. But later that day he told me, "you never ask me how the horse look like. It's full white in color, like the horse in Harry Porter. Gandalf's white horse with glow." So after remembering this event, I tot, maybe I have a unicorn with me. Hehe. 

Now I'm traveling in mrt back home. And I re-open my angel cards. And behold! What I have never noticed beforehand is that the cover of this particular card is indeed a unicorn. Coincidence or true? I shall try the steps to take inside the card to see what comes up! :)

Down periods

When a person is down or met with negative situations, the "portal" is open. A chance to go back to heal whatever previous trauma has happened before. Only with the same situation happening again, with the correct conditions, can the old hurt and trauma be relived and recreated with new actions and beliefs.

Archangel Micheal - Shield Yourself

Recently I have been feeling a lot of negative energies and I found that I have been absorbing whoever lower energies when they come to me for help. It's accidental finding, after watching Teal Swan's synchronization videos. 

And I found this website that is very helpful in shielding empaths like us from absorbing everyone's energies around us: 

http://archangeloracle.com/tag/shield-yourself/

As before this I will react either in anger or defence somehow along the way while talking with the specific person that I am talking to. I wondered why I have always reacted that way for all my life. There is definitely something I am reacting to. Then I realised that I felt their feelings so strongly that I try to push away by reacting angrily. I shall use the cutting of cords every evening and pink, purple and white light for cutting of fear cords and protection every morning and evening, after cutting the fear based cords. Thank you, Doreen Virtue! 

Meditation with baby Tara

I just went into a very peaceful and deep meditation that I have never been before. It's serious, deep and yet beautiful and peaceful, all at the same time. It feels like it's Tara meditating inside me. 

I'm meditating with this Tibetian compassion mantra music from Imee Ooi - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16A_neZPYuI&index=30&list=PLhguKEcu1KiMZxz0US2KQU9VSQXK7gNU1

The reason why we have emotions - Teal Swan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2KAquJgqNI

Using power to be authentic with others

I have been thinking about the recent incident where my batch girl was talking about how some people preach Amituofo and yet got bad heart. So very ER Xin. And I took up the courage to ask if she was referring to me, and that I did admit that I don't have Amituofo heart and have many bad habits as well. In the end where she sounded surprised and say I overthink, I do think that is it wrong for me to clarify? Because honestly there aren't many people like me who are stonch believers in Buddhism. And likelyhood of her referring to me I personally feel could be quite high. Although that might not be true, but her reactions and words did raise some questions and doubts in my mind if she is referring to me, and I truly thought that if I speak up in a loving way, at least I'm honest with her and our relationship, which is an improvement from the past. Or that it's actually causing some drift in our conversation, because we all pretty much stopped talking after that. Lol. 

But today I recieved some angel guidance that I am indeed doing the right thing. :)

Answer to my "Is Tara there?" Prayer

Recently I have been asking if Tara is still around.. Because I have been hit by a slight bout of negativity. And I also haven been reading Angel Therapy Handbook by Doreen Virtue. At first I was abit confused because I am a Buddhist. But while I am at Lapis lazuli and re borrowing the books, the store guy automatically clarified my questions without my asking. He told me that all these angels are also Guan Yin and Buddhas. Just different cultures. That's true hor? Because they serve the same purposes. So I decided to ask the angels for guidance about Tara~ I asked for actual answers to my question, because I haven't been able to use my clarity well and began to have some self-doubts about the answers I have been getting. Everything has been a "no". When I ask about Tara, or when I ask if anyone loves me, does my hubby love me, all answer is no. Which I know my hubby loves me so it's not true. Some entity or maybe my negativity has somehow affected my clarity and connection with the divine guidance. 

And yesterday while I was SMSing my batch girls, one of my batch girls say some things that made me feel like she is pointing fingers at me saying that I did not do what I preach and it's very er-xin. 

Although I did reacted in a friendly way, but the reaction from her I feel is not 100% friendly. So I had the sudden feeling to download angel cards down to my iPhone. I remembered that from the book Angel Therapy handbook that Doreen Virtue said that her life purpose is to make angel cards. So I searched for hers and downloaded it for free(trial). And through that, I learn to cut negative energetic cords with people whom I had some fears with in the past and present. And this morning when I was asking about my aura, I saw indigo blue with waves at my leg down and purple with soft edges the rest of the upper body. So I decided to look for more information. I came across this thing call Crsytal auras.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/spiritualityandconsciousness/2012/10/crystal-and-indigo-aura-color-personalities/

Crystal and Indigo Aura Color Personalities

Crystals are rare. They have clear auras and are known as the “aura chameleons” because their auras will change colors to match those of the people they are around. They then take on the characteristics, emotions, and thoughts of that color personality. Consequently, when they’re healthy and balanced Crystals can get along well with almost anyone.

------------------------------------------

I thought this article is very interesting because I have never read about crystal people before. Although I definitely have read a lot about auras (or so I thought).

And just now when I decided to look for past , present and future cards from the angel cards, it showed me this.. Which quite amazes me.

So perhaps Tara is a crystal child.. Because I have never read about crystal aura before this.. I might be too when I was young though. And more often then not, I am usually affected by the emotions of the people around me. Even when now. So when I read this I suddenly felt that my prayers are answered. That indeed Tara is still around, because I am working with Tara, a crystal aura child. :) 

Vibrational match

"The vibration must be a match to do certain activities, engage with another person, or listen to certain music."

That's what came to my mind just now. When I was thinking of how my feelings guided me to share the link with Hailey about What Sweeter Music by John Gutter. And Hailey liked it and actually told me she will try and get her church choir to sing this song at the end of the year! Whereas in the morning I shared the link with my batch girls and both of them refused to open the link even! Haha. The vibrations are so vastly different. I guess when one watches and observes the reactions and own's feelings of guidance, one is better equipped as to when is appropriate to share certain things. In the beginning of my path it was difficult because I did not know who to share with and how. So there was a lot of obstacles and of coz my karmic blocks. Now that everything is slightly, just slightly clearer, I can see more aptly who, how, what, when to share certain stuff and how to let go when it doesn't vibrate with the other party. It's much easier and gentler to both sides. As no one like to be forced by other people's opinions. :) 

Connection with the divine

This morning I was just worrying about how my divine connection is lost, or worse recieving the news that Tara baby is not around anymore.. I keep getting different answers, sometimes yes, sometimes no. It confuses and worried me a lot. Then I read this paragraph at the end of the day when I was traveling home from work:

I was indeed having very bad disturbances of consciousness. From one negative thought to another, leading to this "Is Tara still around?" Thought. And so on. Naturally fear crept in and I'm not sure if it's yes or no answer anymore as I start to doubt my own divine connection with every negative answer I get.. Eventually I see this in my The Angel Therapy Handbook. 

:)). I'm recieving guidance from above to my questions definitely. I just remembered I did ask for answers just this morning only. And spent the whole day listening to Green Tara and Om Mani Padme Hung chants. :))

Chanting for the wish and good will of everyone

I had my wedding this year January 2015. And as my HR told me, I have 3 days wedding leave to take for my wedding/vacation by one year's time. Naturally I was v happy and I saved the 3 days wedding leave and took one day annual leave for the day after my wedding. 

Fast forward to June, my HR suddenly tell me it's not correct to claim the wedding leave after the wedding. It would be considered as abuse of wedding leave. Fair enough, but feeling disappointed, I think.. Okay, just give me back my one day annual leave that I took right after my wedding. That would be considered as rightful use of wedding leave right? 

After several months of dily daly, I keep asking my HR for advice, and was this morning told that most likely they won't give me back my one day annual leave. Finally feeling pissed off, because it's only one day annual leave, I started to complain to my HR that I'm feeling pissed off and that I'm angry that the Japan side took so long to come to a decision. And it's so simple to give me back my one day AL but they made the process so long and draggy. In the meantime, I thought about my extra 2 months unpaid leave that I wanted to take after my maternity leave. Afraid that it would affect it, I started to let go, and think it's more impt for my 2 months unpaid to be approved. My HR reassured me that it will not affect that and that she will speak to our HR head. Suddenly I remembered that Lervander told me to chant for everyone's well wishes and everything to proceed smoothly, so I turned on Green Tara's chant and begin to dedicate the chant to those who will be in charge of my requests and chant for their well being. I sincerely wish that this one day AL problem will not bring trouble to everyone and make everyone unhappy. After all it's just one day's leave.. I rather see everyone be happy instead. I begin to relax and see the light of the problem. It's really quite funny, when my HR told me that I can still take my wedding leave, providing I can link it to my wedding still. I'm like... 他们在赠我huh? How to link to my wedding when it's already gone for almost a year?? Hahahaa I can't stop laughing. The whole situation suddenly felt very funny to me. Within mins, My HR called me and told me they approved to give me back my one day annual leave because I made noise. 

Wow! It's that effective!! Sincere chanting really bring about results that's almost instantaneous! Amazing! 

Pushing love away

If we slow down enough to be aware of our every movement, we might realised that we are far short of recieving love. A few symptoms that we are not recieving love well is;

1) when someone compliments you, immediately is rejected or say it's nothing at all

2) when someone is showing you concern, you flare up easily at that person instead

3) recieving gifts but feel very unhappy

4) recieving good guidance but ignoring it

5) continuing doing some habits or behavior that you know very well is not conducive to you and your well-being

6) thinking that it's always so "bad-luck" on your side and insisting that it will remain so

7) trying to do everything by yourself without recieving any support from others (in this way, we are closed off from recieving love from others, making ourselves a one man island)

8) complaining and picking on the person when the person does you a favor

All these signs are symptoms that we are pushing love away. Subconsciously we don't actually know HOW to recieve love. 

Most of the times it happens when we are young, when we experienced love, our love is taken away and it was unbearably painful. So, in order not to feel the pain again, we push love away, thinking that this way, we will never have to feel the pain again. But is this really working out for us? Really? We are afraid to feel unloved so we rather not known love at all? 

Once we learn to open ourselves up to the boundless possibilities of love, that we will began to recieve love in all ways. It's like your body is unblocked, and all the love energy gushes in from everywhere. And your surroundings will change along with the change in your subconscious thinking too. 

As one monk puts it, there is nothing call subconscious thinking. It's only a name in the western world. There are multi layers of mind, and some are buried deep within us, which he refer to very subtle thinking. For example, the intention to survive thus we breathe. These are very subtle that we don't normally notice it. Only very deep awareness (meditation in other words that we will be awareness of such intentions). Once it comes out to the surface, it's no longer buried deep inside.

As we began to open ourselves out we will began to recieve love. It's a wonderful feeling to know that there is ready love and support out there waiting for you to be opened up to it. :) 

Loving yourself - how does Buddha do it?

There was a period of time I was in my journey of rediscovering myself. Things were not going well. My "best friend" was bullying me all the time, and my boyfriend was treating me badly too. It's a problem that had been going on for as long as I can remember. It came a breaking time where my "best friend" wanted to come over and stay at my new house as and when she likes it and my boyfriend actually welcomed it, that was the breaking point, that drove me to go deep into meditation and chanting. I dropped everything, including my "bestie" and my "boyfriend" and just concentrated into deep meditation. I even "dropped" the house that was pending our engagement certificate. Thinking back, I dropped it for around 1 year plus. And during that one year, many amazing things happened. 

Whist I was deep in my meditation routines, I contemplated. What did I do that was so wrong? Why is it I stayed with people who didn't know how to treat me right for 10 over years?  Why is it so easy for some people to find friends and boyfriends who loved them and treat them right, and yet I keep attracting those who doesn't? This question puzzled me and I kept on meditating. 

As a Buddhist, I try to make comparisons to Buddha, who is the awakened perfect being. Didn't Buddha sacrificed himself too? I remember the many lives that Buddha gave up to feed a hungry lion, or the time where the angry king sliced him to death and yet there was no anger in Buddha at all. 

I was trying to sacrifice myself too. By giving in to others, letting them have their way. I was trying hard to live the teachings. More often then not, I ended up being taken for granted. But there is a distinct difference, I realised. Is that I get really angry with people who try to take advantage of me. I can't stand it when my boyfriend ill-treats me, or miss our appointments, or anything small in particular. But I still try to forgive. It's an extremely tiring difficult process for me. At the same time, I won't take advantage from other people as well. Thus I feel angry if someone else try to take from me. From this I realised that I was able to give, because I wasn't taking at all. And why wasn't I taking? I would feel bad instantly if I took, and I would find all ways to compensate that. And the people who saw it, took advantage of it and stayed by my side because simply I would just let them. As I realised that for some, they would just walk off so easily from this type of relationship, simply because the vibrations don't match at all. To them, it won't even bother them a tiny bit. Just someone who try to take advantage. That's all. They would just walk on by. And yet I was constantly attracted to them. Strange as it sounds, I later realised that it's my "comfort zone". Somehow, in it's weirdest sense; it made me feel safe. And why is that so? I uncovered that this feeling comes from the time of my birth. When my mom had me in her stomach, she wanted to abort me. That feeling was the feeling a dejection; abandonment. And that's the first feeling I ever got to know. And being in my mother's womb, that somehow made me feel safe as well. Well, to say fairly, that's the first feeling that I know and it goes deep into my subconscious. If not for the deep and long retreats and meditation and chanting that I did, I would never have the "tools" to dig up my subconscious condition at birth. From then on I armed myself with the awareness that I don't know how to treat myself properly. After all, if my mom don't know how to treat me properly, how possible could I? 

But Buddha had no anger towards the king to slowly sliced him to death. I would quarrel w my bf if he was late for our appointment. How is this so big a difference? 

I begin to see how some people are more tolerant of others. And when they do it, it's really from the bottom of their heart. And often, it's a give and take situation. Sometimes I'm late for your appointment, and sometimes you are late for mine. There has to be some taking involved, before a person can fully give. In return, it means a person must love himself fully before he can give to others. This also makes us "one with the universe" where taking and giving are not counted and ever flowing. If we must take in order to give better, I thought, then the Buddha must really loved himself so much that he can give rise to no anger even when the king was slowly slicing him to death. Buddha took the love from everywhere until he can give to such a limitless flow of love. It's so vastly different from me. Anything that other people took advantage of me I took it as a way of them stepping on my self-esteemed literally. And I try to fight back (in my own way) to reclaim what I feel it's my self-esteem. If my self-esteem was full, I won't need to fighting back. As there is nothing to fight. And I won't be seeing these people as stepping on my self-esteem. And these people would be out of my vibration. 

True enough, after the realization of how I don't know how to love myself, my vibration changed. I was able to leave my "bestie" in a good manner, and my then bf too. But my bf came back in a way where he completely changed. He began to see me in a new light, and he waited for me patiently while I rediscover myself. Our relationship took to a whole new level, that I never imagine we could be so wonderful together. Once my inner vibrations changed, my outer surroundings changed by itself too. It's really been amazing. And I tribute thanks to all the people who had been involved in this "drama". For without you all, I won't be pushed into self-discovery. And how it changed my whole life. :) 

Learning to accept and love our feelings like a friend

I realised just how many of us are cut off from our feelings and emotions. Usually when one is having a "negative" feeling, one tries to cut that off immediately by either trying to change the feeling or denying the feelings. But it's these denying of feelings that will lead to many emotional blockages later, as these feelings are suppressed and not let out. 

I just saw a video of Teal Swan teaching how to process our feelings and let it naturally transform.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVShM00qQ80

This is very important for all of us. That we learn to love and accept all feelings of ourselves. Essentially, they are only informants that teach us about our emotions state of mind. Like a mosquito bite will have swollen part n feel itchy. It's just so that it can bring attention to the part and let us be aware and learn to heal ourselves. Running away from negative emotions is gonna stop the healing process. What we deny, we cannot heal. 

White Tara~~

As I was thinking about chanting Green Tara for some protection, like the time I did with my relationship with my hubby, I went to search online for the meaning of White Tara.. And suddenly the visions of both Taras appeared before me. Green one first.. I felt peace, then White Tara appeared in my vision as I was reading abt it as another representation of compassion.. The moment it appeared I felt it's my baby girl Tara.. And I got tingles running through in my whole body and my tears well up.. I felt the compassion instantly.. 

True compassion has no words to represent it, it's a very soft kind of energy, and melts me and enfolds me completely. I am so blessed. So very blessed.. 

Car accident

I had quite a major car accident one 21st Sept 2015, just 2 days ago. I was really shocked and traumatized by what happened.. And first thought that come to me is that I'm really v unlucky these few months.. But I also know that everything happened for a reason, and I prayed to know the reason soon. Because I felt really bad at what happened. But everyone who was involved in the accident was really kind and loving.. Even my husband whose car had to be sent to the workshop was telling and consoling me that it's okie.. He is not angry and in fact, keep trying to cheer me up. The uncle and auntie from the opposite car was smiling and saying bye bye to me.. It was really kind of them although I did give them a lot of trouble.. Even the bus uncle that I hit was smiling and saying it's okie, only a small scratch, but had to wait for the company to come and validate. The traffic policeman who came down helped me to explain to our IO. And he was v kind to me as well. Even our IO personally sent a SMS to me to remind me to make the police report and telling me how he understood as a father that leg cramps for pregnant woman are totally understandable. My hubby and I were so touched by his concern and gesture! The next day when I was at the car garage, I saw how amazing my hubby was with everyone... And how everyone loved him. And everyone was really nice to me as well because of the way he is with them. Love was just flowing everywhere~

Fast forward 2 days later.. I came back to office because I was afraid that I don't have enough leave days, although I have been given a week's mc by the doctor from mount alvernia. It was a good decision to come back, because many of my colleagues showered me with concern. I never felt more loved and accepted (even when I did something wrong) in these couple of months than now. Now I completely know why the accident happened.. Its for me to see how much love I have around me.. And to open the door of my heart and to let it all flow in. To me, this accident now feels more like a miracle. How everyone can be so loving towards me even during an accident. It's really unbelieveable. And I know that Buddha and Guanyin and my guardian angels have protected me as well because just during the trip back from work, there was a short pause during the drive and I somehow decided to put on the ikea clip on my seat belt so it won't keep pulling on my stomach. And when the accident happened, the seat belt didn't pull at my stomach one bit. And the air bag did not inflat as all. Even the paramedics was asking about it. It was lucky it was after a right-turn so the impact was relatively light. Thank you Buddhas, Boddisativas and guardian angels that protected me and my baby Tara from harm from this accident. I really give thanks and gratitude. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you everyone. 

To add on, 26th Sept 2015, I just wrote in my gratitude journal- 

Daniel has been so supportive during this period of time, he is simply amazing and I begin to see him in a different light.. Not that he wasn't good before, but even better.. Both our families were also v forgiving and accepting of my mistake. It has been an amazing journey. The doors of my loving heart finally opened during this incident.. :) 

Teal Swan and picking up others energy

While I was listening to her YouTube about her workshop, there was a case where the guy is an empath and physic, and Teal Swan was too. Initially I was envious of them both having such strong reception towards other people's feelings. And thinking how an asshole I was to totally ignore and offend ppl around me all the time. But I suddenly realised that I have been picking up people's vibrations as well. I'm not like them where I'm directly receptive and recieving them clearly, but I pick up on people vulnerabilities, and I usually don't know how to react. I just realised that my habitual way denying pain is to cover up with anger. So I lashe out at them, telling them to do it a certain way. Of coz, that always backfires. Ya.. We all know that right? 

Like recently my batch girls and I have a pretty serious conversation on the sg general election. And one of my batch girl was complaining the hell out of our govt continuously for 3 days.. And I got really frustrated and said how complaining makes one a victim and vulnerable. Honestly I can't stand hearing a victim continuously complaining. And I react in anger. I guess everyone has different way to handling things.. Anger is more like my habitual reaction. And it comes from my family and I know it. 

And of coz she din recieve it well. After wards, I felt terrible. But also indignant. But suddenly while watching Teal Swan's workshop, I realised that I was clearly picking up on her pain and victim mode, and I just decided to give her advice without her wanting it. Wow. I tot I was being an asshole. Clearly I don't know how to execute it in a way where it's recieved well. Perhaps I really need to chant more om mani padme hung to have more loving kindness. 

This is the YouTube link: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ib9OyTu8OcU

Ultimate surrender

The ultimate surrender is to stop living in the past or future, stop yearning for the approval of others, and stop trying to control and situation. Simply experience it instead. This is a profound transformational shift because the ego doesn't know how to do this, and maybe never will. The highest form of surrender is when you free yourself from your ego perceptions and experience life from the full vantage point of your Spirit. Because you are only temporarily in a physical form, death to this form is inevitable. The ego game is to pretend that it won't happen, but this takes you away from fully living and enjoying life.

Accepting death is the ultimate surrender and the highest form of transformation to Spirit. We have no choice. But when we accept death to the best of our ability, we are given the most powerful gift of life-the freedom to fully live as our authentic selves.

Negative thoughts - Breathe

If you are experiencing particularly intense emotions (such as fear, anger, insecurity, sadness, or anxiety), simply keep breathing and see how breath and awareness affect them. Do not act on the energies engulfing you; remember to just observe. Notice that with each inhale and exhale, you are putting more space and light between yourself and these intense thoughts and feelings.

Do this for a minimum of three to five minutes (ten if possible). This is usually enough time to break free if the trance of the ego patterns. The quiet observer is your Spirit. With each breath of awareness, you'll realise how much stronger, brighter, and more powerful your Spirit becomes. Each breath ushers in more space and light, releasing you from the grip of negativity. 

By practicing observant awareness everyday for a few minutes, you'll develop an automatic response to detach and expand into Spirit rather than contract and engage negative energies as they arise. Be patient in the beginning. Shifting from ego to Spirit takes time. Your responses won't change overnight, but with consistent practice you'll see a difference in about 40 days. (A 40-day duration is mentioned many times throughout the Bible and represents a full season or cycle of change. In practicing for a full 40 days, you override your old patterns and establish a new imprint from an unconscious, ego-centered, disempowered mode of living to a Spirit-centered, conscious-choice-directed mode of living.) 

When the shift to Spirit does begin, you'll experience a remarkable liberation from being unconsciously controlled by unwanted ego patterns. The more you apply observant breath to your thoughts, the more quickly you will break free from unproductive negative thoughts and enter the clear, expanded, creative space of your Spirit. 

"Oh, would that my mind could let fall it's dead ideas, as the tree does it's withers leaves!" - Andre Gide

Emotional release from my parents

Quickly after my marriage, I got pregnant, and it was such a joy to know because we both were worried if we could have a baby easily. 3 months into my pregnancy, I began to hope for a boy, whereas my hubby preferred a girl. First scan showed signs of a boy's genitals. We were overjoyed. But it's short-lived as one week later, my blood test showed it's a female baby. I was disappointed. And to the point where all the stress I have been handling on the fact that "I'm having a boy" as holding up, crashes tumbling down. I cried for 2 whole hours, feeling v sad that it's not a boy. And other stress factors that my female friends were simultaneously giving me. But strangely at the same time, I felt a release of sadness and non-worth that I haven't felt in a long time. After the trigger, during our next check up, when the doc confirmed it's a baby girl, one more time I shed tears. Both times actually took me by surprise. Because I knew I wanted a boy, but I never knew that I WANTED IT SO MUCH. And why? There are various reasons but I can't put a finger to why I would react so big. I began to look back to my parents for any heditery insights. And rem that my mom used to tell me how she wanted to abort me because she did not want another child and how my father detested me because I was not a boy. Both these 2 feelings, of not being a boy; and sense of no-worth, was apparent in my 2 sessions of crying release. Each time after I cried, I felt better immediately. I think it's a release of emotions from my babyhood. I do hope I do not pass these emotions down to my beloved baby girl. So I'm trying to clear my emotions blockages as much as I can during this period of time. 

Emergence of the Divine Child

Right now I'm reading this book, Emergence of the Divine Child. Maybe this book is what I really need now, to put my perspective back into order. In this chaos and emotional ride, I know a new change is coming, and a big final one. 

Although life's lessons will never finish, I know with this I will cross a boundary that I have never cross before. And with excitement I wait. :) 

Relax and energy meditation

I chanced a very nice paragraph in Barbarajian. 

"Relax your body and clear your mind. Imagine a pillar of light flowing through your body and sending light fibers into Earth.

Picture these fibers being pulled down into Earth, moving through dirt and worms and other creatures, and passing through layers of soil, rock, water, minerals, crystals, and gold. Your fibers are going down very far. They are looking for a vein of gold, so continue to send them down until you feel that the taproot of your fibers has touched a vein of gold deep, deep in Earth - an ancient vein. Notice what it feels like.

Gold transmits a certain frequency. It is very deeply connected with the force and vibration you describe as love, the connective energy that supports all things. The gold and crystals inside Earth move this consciousness through Earth like your veins move blood through your body. Many creatures know about these veins and use them.

Do a very low, deep toning into the fibers of light that extend into Earth. Rumble and stabilize the light, sending energy along the vein of gold so that it travels around a core layer of Earth. Know that your sound is going to stabilize something deep within the core of Earth. Even in her heart, Earth will always recognize you and know who you are.

Once you have stabilized the taproot, create a higher pitched toning to extend a dome of light above where you are. This dome is an umbrella of energy under which you are currently being inspired. Picture a violet-blue twilight tone inside the dome, which is being showered with white moonlight on the outside.

Everything that you think, you energize into form.

So please, dear friend, free yourself from burdens and re-imagine Earth as a splendid place within existence. See yourself dwelling in harmony amidst the splendor."

Everything happens for a reason.

There are 3 sides to each story, yours, mine and the Truth.

 

Four Face Buddha in Bangkok

I'm now sitting right in front of the famous Four Face Buddha in Bangkok. And I remember my dad saying that Four Face Buddha like to see women dance.. And strip naked to dance.. Previous years I will go to Four Face Buddha here to pray. As I got my wish granted many years ago. So I always pray and respect. But this year I did not. I prayed and give thanks with my palm and sit aside to think while my friends are praying. 

"How come a Buddha would have such desires to see naked woman dance?"

And while sitting there, I realised that Buddhas and Boddisativas manifest and correspond according to humans thoughts, wishes and desires. Thus it's not the Four Face Buddha that's has desires but the people of Thailand that strongly has and need such a Buddha to have faith with.

Dementia

We have to learn to protect our minds. Prolong worry, anger and anxiety can easily lead to dementia in our old age.

I watch my father and am worried about him. Chanting and meditation is difficult to penetrate his mind. Let's hope I find a way to help him soon. Perhaps spending more time with him, guiding him to clear his mind could be the best thing I can do.

Buddha's lifetime - was I there?

While I was reading a book just now about counseling, I had a sudden thought.. Spiritually I'm quite inclined, had I been incarnated for countless times, since Buddha was here? Was I there already with the many monks that were following Buddha? And immediately I had another "answer". Yes I was already there. And was a high monk that was following Buddha, but pride made me fail. I think there is lust too, but primary is pride that stopped my liberation. 

This lifetime I should take note and carefully subdue my pride. Have understanding of why it arises and how to neutralize it.