Loving yourself - how does Buddha do it?

There was a period of time I was in my journey of rediscovering myself. Things were not going well. My "best friend" was bullying me all the time, and my boyfriend was treating me badly too. It's a problem that had been going on for as long as I can remember. It came a breaking time where my "best friend" wanted to come over and stay at my new house as and when she likes it and my boyfriend actually welcomed it, that was the breaking point, that drove me to go deep into meditation and chanting. I dropped everything, including my "bestie" and my "boyfriend" and just concentrated into deep meditation. I even "dropped" the house that was pending our engagement certificate. Thinking back, I dropped it for around 1 year plus. And during that one year, many amazing things happened. 

Whist I was deep in my meditation routines, I contemplated. What did I do that was so wrong? Why is it I stayed with people who didn't know how to treat me right for 10 over years?  Why is it so easy for some people to find friends and boyfriends who loved them and treat them right, and yet I keep attracting those who doesn't? This question puzzled me and I kept on meditating. 

As a Buddhist, I try to make comparisons to Buddha, who is the awakened perfect being. Didn't Buddha sacrificed himself too? I remember the many lives that Buddha gave up to feed a hungry lion, or the time where the angry king sliced him to death and yet there was no anger in Buddha at all. 

I was trying to sacrifice myself too. By giving in to others, letting them have their way. I was trying hard to live the teachings. More often then not, I ended up being taken for granted. But there is a distinct difference, I realised. Is that I get really angry with people who try to take advantage of me. I can't stand it when my boyfriend ill-treats me, or miss our appointments, or anything small in particular. But I still try to forgive. It's an extremely tiring difficult process for me. At the same time, I won't take advantage from other people as well. Thus I feel angry if someone else try to take from me. From this I realised that I was able to give, because I wasn't taking at all. And why wasn't I taking? I would feel bad instantly if I took, and I would find all ways to compensate that. And the people who saw it, took advantage of it and stayed by my side because simply I would just let them. As I realised that for some, they would just walk off so easily from this type of relationship, simply because the vibrations don't match at all. To them, it won't even bother them a tiny bit. Just someone who try to take advantage. That's all. They would just walk on by. And yet I was constantly attracted to them. Strange as it sounds, I later realised that it's my "comfort zone". Somehow, in it's weirdest sense; it made me feel safe. And why is that so? I uncovered that this feeling comes from the time of my birth. When my mom had me in her stomach, she wanted to abort me. That feeling was the feeling a dejection; abandonment. And that's the first feeling I ever got to know. And being in my mother's womb, that somehow made me feel safe as well. Well, to say fairly, that's the first feeling that I know and it goes deep into my subconscious. If not for the deep and long retreats and meditation and chanting that I did, I would never have the "tools" to dig up my subconscious condition at birth. From then on I armed myself with the awareness that I don't know how to treat myself properly. After all, if my mom don't know how to treat me properly, how possible could I? 

But Buddha had no anger towards the king to slowly sliced him to death. I would quarrel w my bf if he was late for our appointment. How is this so big a difference? 

I begin to see how some people are more tolerant of others. And when they do it, it's really from the bottom of their heart. And often, it's a give and take situation. Sometimes I'm late for your appointment, and sometimes you are late for mine. There has to be some taking involved, before a person can fully give. In return, it means a person must love himself fully before he can give to others. This also makes us "one with the universe" where taking and giving are not counted and ever flowing. If we must take in order to give better, I thought, then the Buddha must really loved himself so much that he can give rise to no anger even when the king was slowly slicing him to death. Buddha took the love from everywhere until he can give to such a limitless flow of love. It's so vastly different from me. Anything that other people took advantage of me I took it as a way of them stepping on my self-esteemed literally. And I try to fight back (in my own way) to reclaim what I feel it's my self-esteem. If my self-esteem was full, I won't need to fighting back. As there is nothing to fight. And I won't be seeing these people as stepping on my self-esteem. And these people would be out of my vibration. 

True enough, after the realization of how I don't know how to love myself, my vibration changed. I was able to leave my "bestie" in a good manner, and my then bf too. But my bf came back in a way where he completely changed. He began to see me in a new light, and he waited for me patiently while I rediscover myself. Our relationship took to a whole new level, that I never imagine we could be so wonderful together. Once my inner vibrations changed, my outer surroundings changed by itself too. It's really been amazing. And I tribute thanks to all the people who had been involved in this "drama". For without you all, I won't be pushed into self-discovery. And how it changed my whole life. :)